How does it feel? Being this alive.
🌊
I’ve always prided myself on my ability to FEEL it all. I secretly believe I FEEL IT more than everyone else. I’ve written about it before, so not a secret, actually, but I’ve never understood people who don’t just wanna jump in with both feet and see how it feels. Make the decision do the thing send the text whatever it takes just feel it.
My friend recently pointed out that I am addicted to dopamine. Like yes we all are obviously but I’ve noticed it so much recently. Inability to just sit and be, always desperately grasping for a thing to make me feel. Loving any kind of cheap thrill just a bit too much. Sweets, sex, the sesh, you name it I love it.
And what is that all about? Truly? Because yeah, you can feel the good thing but there’s the bad stuff too, and maybe there is something to be said for not doing it because the high won’t match the low and boy can we go low.
Like do you have to press that specific bruise? Watch a film called the worst person in the world when you feel like the worst person in the world? Why not just watch the aristocats and peace out for a little while. Maybe then you won’t have the burning urge to escape the brain every weekend rinse and repeat.
I’m spending more time on my own in my brain than ever before so I’m sort of untangling this all in real time and any tips on how to just BE would be greatly appreciated.
Anyway this weekend I decided to finally listen to my body and just fuck it all off cancel the plans sit on my hands not send the text not get drunk. Just take a little tiny minute and guys weekends are so long when you aren’t drunk or hungover. And also, your brain is so loud. So loud 😀 I actually still barely slept because of it which is not fun but baby steps baby steps until we get there.
And you know what it felt bad in the moment but good in my soul to make a decision for future jess, not present jess, like girl go get your kicks elsewhere. (It is no coincidence that I woke up early early early by accident on Sunday and cycled to the west reservoir for a swim so cold my legs didn’t warm up until 4pm. Hello dopamine.)
Anyway it kind of all goes back to my original goal of the year which was/is FOCUS. And boy did I fail on that front. (Although there is an argument to be made that I did focus, just on the wrong things.) But I need need actual need to crack it so I can achieve my goals. I have big ideas! and plans! and I just want to do them properly, commit to something good for me. And make loads of money and be really sexy (for me not you) forever and ever amen :)
If you’re feeling a little bit :( here are some nice slow things that help:
write! it! down!!! There’s a reason I do what I do
walk to local chippy buy fish and chips eat with a Dr Pepper
go to a spin class preferably one of the woo woo ones like soul cycle
give your WhatsApp friendship group’s thumbs a rest and go see them in person, sit on their sofa, stroke their dog, indulge in some witchcraft while you watch a Nora Ephron movie
M&S rotisserie chicken
read a book but just read a silly one I am reading these
watch house of games imagine married to Richard Osman
homemade matcha
outdoor swim keep going until you are so tired and so cold you might drown that’s the spirit
Ok that’s all I’ve got so far, again any suggestions welcome :))))) we are all gonna be fine xxx
This year I discovered writing 💩 down really helps. Additionally what I do, is share my journals with ChatGPT and use it to find solutions or exercises to help.
Dr Pepper mentioned 😍😍😍