The hardest thing recently has been to sit down and write. And I mean that in the non-physical sense. I have taken myself off to grassy parks, have sat beside bodies of water, and at sunlit cafe tabletops. Each time full of hope and whimsy and each time, I’ve drawn a blank.
Maybe it’s because I broke the nib on my favourite fountain pen (fun fact Barack Obama uses the same one). Maybe it’s because my thoughts, hopes and fears seem small and silly written down in black and white against the backdrop of the world. The genocide. The election.
Maybe it’s because I’m no longer in such a state of flux, having ground slowly into the rhythm and pace of this phase of my life. I have a sneaking suspicion it could be because I am TRYING TOO HARD (not something I am overly familiar with, let me tell you). But I also worry it’s just because of the kind of person I am.
This inability to stick to something, to enter a ‘flow state’ with anything, is something that has plagued me my entire life. Abandoned gym memberships, diets, hobbies, self-help books and ‘to-do’ lists fan out behind me like a dark secret shadow.
I watch women on TikTok explain micro habits, habit stacking, willpower vs. motivation, and I understand it all - I really do - but nothing ever sticks. I sometimes wonder if I am too clever for it. That my brain can play tricks on me, even when I know the very thing I am inventing excuses not to do is the very thing that will make me feel better.
Because once I nail it all. The diet, the movement, the enriching hobbies. I’ll feel better. Right?
Or, maybe, I’m not doing any of it because I feel fine now. I feel fine now. Right?
Part of the problem is that I find it impossible to tell. My own self-doubt getting in the way of me landing on any firm conclusion. Am I overtired, am I sad, do I feel unwell, do I need another snack or am I just thirsty? I don’t trust any of the signals my body sends to my brain, and my brain is incapable of sorting any of them out.
I need more evidence to work it all out. I’d like to take a holiday to somebody else’s brain. Preferably one of the Tiktok girls, so I could rummage around for clues. How to be the woman I haven’t been yet.
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I feel like I should add a small disclaimer (after one of my last posts sent alarm bells to all my friends) that I am writing this down JUST FOR FUN and it is not in fact a CRY FOR HELP. I’m watching Selling the OC at 11am on a Thursday I really have nothing to complain about at all!!!!
Ok thanks for reading xxx